extraordinary events in an ordinary girls life

More than I want to live I want time to slow down

Things are moving too fast

My life is moving fast like the trees wizzing past my car window as I drive home

I wish I could voice my wants and what makes me cringe

I wish I could stop myself from lashing out

From feeling anger

From feeling pain

From feeling fear

I feel my leaves falling from my thin and life-less skeleton

Winter is coming

When did I become such a dancer? Seriously there are times when I listen to some good dubstep and all I want to do is just burst into dance. At the moment I am listening to phantom pt. II and I wish this art room suddenly turned into terminal 5 and the lights went out and the disco on. For those who hate dubstep, I hate you. It’s sweet and you just a hater. Even though I am a hater I am allowed to be a hater bc I am the one and only bitch baby. Must. Dance. Soon.

those were effortless nights, of wonder excitement and freedom. escaping my house at those early hours of the morning, to go off and find adventure, trouble and most of all happiness. i would look at the stars and gaze up in wonder what would my future with-hold and i knew that the shooting stars were a sign that things would turn out all right in the end for me. people may see me now as a failure but my life is only yet begun and there is time for me to fill my potential. i found myself in those summer nights.

my teacher has to be by far the worst teacher i have ever had. at least i learned something from other “bad” teachers - but no in this class i am trying to stay afloat between failing and almost failing. but she isnt the worst person i have ever met. the worst person i know is this one crackhead lets call her hmmmmm simply (one who knows this girl knows this is a good name for her). Simply the crackhead and i were friends at the beginning of the loss of innocence. she didnt do anything bad, i smoked weed. she didnt try weed (even though i tried for months) until her boyfriend ditched her a million times to smoke weed with her friends. She was so nai eve that she believed that she was allergic to weed. she one time tried the volcano (which barely gets me high now) she threw up. Oh how i laughed at her stupidity- she tried to hard to convince me of her poor pitiful allergy. Now lets look at her a year later she is using me for all the weed i have. she changed because of her boyfriend. oh how i despise him. despite the fact he is the most selfish man i know - he constantly uses simply because he knows he cannot find better (looking) than simply. but he continually cheats on simply, and its not that simply hasnt found some evidence that can disprove his loyalty. yet she continues to be with him, yet he is the reason why she is on the verge of suicide for the last two years. how dumb can an individual be to stay with someone that is just making her life miserable? and on top of that she is a crackhead, so much so that she loves heroin. loves it. will step over anyone to get it. but too bad she is too feeble of a person to even get a job to support her addictions. oh at how i laugh at her now and dream of killing her with my own hands. oh well she will probably od or kill herself before i get the chance to plot something good. i spent too many years being her friend and not enough getting back at her. i will one day. it is a promise that one day i will get her back for being the worst person i know.

why must netflix instant video be so limited in what i like….:(

arrested development was the best. now i am watching mad men, while my lover to my right is dead pan asleep. so asleep that when i cleaned for the last hour he didnt even twitch. so he owes me dished washed in the morning. i hope i get to sleep in since being a light sleeper when my lover decides to wake up after 9 hours of sleeping (2 of those 9 have passed already) he will make noise, complain about his tummy ache - then take bong rips to soothe his nauseated stomach. i wont be able to sleep at this point because he will notice me stir (due to the noise he is making) and then ask me to play fifa. then i wont be able to sleep because he is gone..ugh the vicious cycle of a late night sleeper. mad men is entertaining but all the men should look like don drapper. my ankle is still hurting i feel as if it is never going to fully recover and whom am i to blame? myself of course for not doing what the doc told me to. as always my stubborn nature takes over me and controls my actions and refuses to do specifically what was told to do. i guess it is in me but its something i have been trying to fight for years. sometimes my mood controls every action that i do. how terrible to think that i am such an impulsive person. i guess it makes things fun but it also makes things terrible 45.5% of the time. i always think i am in some way cutting a corner or handling it but i end up botching it. (a word from my lover that means: fucking it up, ruining it, just terribleness). kajsdjhdkhsd must take more bong rips and attempt sleep  

where to begin…..i guess childhood? well i was a weakling of a child- sick all of the time, constantly in or out of the hospital. No wonder my mother turned into a psychotic freak when it came to my health. well once i grew out of that which was around the same time i moved for florida. A new beginning for my mother and I. To start our lives fresh in the sunniest place in the U.S. But it was the complete polar opposite to nj- for one thing the people….http://qkme.me/3p74un…. you know who you are (crazy fucking church people whom want to send all gay people to one island…?!?!

i grew out of that stage of my life of being a goody two shoes and decided to take on the world on my own. so i moved out my mother’s nest in fl to my tia’s chaotic home where i fully decided to try everything in the world (except roller coasters.) weed was amazing. it honestly was like drinking and being on shrooms at the same time when i first started. i would see colors and it would feel like i was tripping until i finally did trip and its nothing like smoking weed for the first time. the first drug i ever was to experiment with was shrooms and damn were they crazy. Trees were dancing the world was moving, tripping was awesome. I didnt do much drug experimenting till camp bisco of ‘11. Thats when i lost control of myself for just a tad. I mean i was experiencing what most girls experience when they were dumped by the shittiest man alive, so drugs was an outlet for me i guesss. Acid was awesome, by far the best tripping drug out there. I mean shrooms is great but come on who wants to feel shitty for the first hour of their trip and then have no control over whats happening in the next 8 hours or so. for me tripping was like meeting jesus.  I felt overwhelmed with the sudden realization that happiness is the most important thing to achieve in life (woah how mature of me). But then the realization went to the back of my head in the sea of lost memories when i started becoming obsessed with prescription drugs. those are the worst things a parent can do for a child send them to a psychiatrist. i would kill my 30 pills of zanex in the matter of a week. school made it only worse since practically every morning i would have an anxiety attack on my to school. School made me feel imprisoned. thankfully i was saved and shown the reality of the paths i was taking. I would eventually turn into a crackhead if my fiance didnt show me the reality of things. And at this point my mind had been corrupted with thoughts of oc and just literally spending every day doing it. thank god i didnt become the crackhead i was heading to. thankfully now i am living the life of a…..(not so normal) teenager. No thanks to the normalcy of my best friend who loved oc almost as much as she wanted to kill herself. It took me a long ass time to realize that drugs had changed me and the way i thought about drugs. Now i have made a pact not to anyone but to myself to not become one of those crackheads. I will continue to move forward in life with the help of my trusty booby bear and incoming kitty. with these two i can be happy(with just smoking weed) which is the hardest thing for a crackhead to do. Its like in every movie the happy ending….. but life will continue to throw curveballs at me throwing me off balance and seeing how long it will take me to get back on my feet. But dont worry world i am safe in the basement of my in-laws:)